by WiseWoman

Real or make-believe?.......that is the question. Can we find a way to determine if the person we are falling for online is REAL??

This is one question that comes to mind a lot in online connections, be it emails or instant messages, and is peculiar to ONLY online communications. This cannot occur in any other venue except maybe writing letters back and forth to someone you have never met, such as pen pals, women who write to incarcerated men, etc.

Since we cannot see the person's reactions to what we say, nor can we be distracted by a million other forms of sensory input that happen in person-to-person interaction, ONLINE communication becomes something nebulous falling somewhere between REAL and FANTASY in our mind.

We are real people talking to each other, but our mind has to find a place of security that is alien to its natural process. If one has spent a lot of time online interacting with others, one develops a place of security in one's mind where by we can launch a scenario that is optimum for each particular person/case involved.

For instance, if we are talking to someone who fits the criteria that we have set for us to be able to explore a possible meeting, we have imposed a certain chain of events that will certainly take us to that end.

Systematically, we ask certain questions, interpret the answers, which lead to more questions, which lead to more answers that finally give us the specific information we need to make an educated guess as to the risk factor involved in actually meeting this person face to face.

After assessing all the things we have to assess, after eliminating a series of reasons why to meet or not meet this person, we ultimately whittle it down to whatever action we want to take.

On one hand, with online dating, before we meet face to face, we have a hell of a lot MORE information than we would have if we just met on the street. Assuming they have told the truth, we usually know their age, where they live, what they like sexually, and a lot of other personal things we've demanded they answer before we determine a quasi match.

But on the other hand, we have a whole lot LESS information than we would have if we had met this person in real time (seeing how they dress, carry themselves, relate to the world around them, how friendly they really are etc).

So, within this nebulous space we now have to create a whole new set of rules for ourselves. We have to come up with extra sensory perception that will guide us in our decision-making so that we can find the lowest risk factor possible for making the best assessment for success. Not only do we have to decide if this person is compatible, but we have to give ourselves the OK to bite the bullet and go for it.

The more we meet people this way, the more we learn how our new sensory perception has to develop. Each time we meet someone, we get the opportunity to develop our skill.

Once we have this person in our face, the brain has to switch from that nebulous place between REAL and FANTASY to REAL time. Now we fall back on what has always been familiar to us and that is CHEMISTRY.

Chemistry has a way of overriding much of the aforementioned data. New sensory input invades the senses and qualifies or disqualifies all previous information. This is the point where we go from the nebulous zone to a comfort zone.

At least we can trust chemistry. It's almost an absolute for us. Chemistry is cut and dry. There is no question. We are in our comfort zone and know exactly if this person is energetically in tune with us or not.

But, what if the guy has a nervous twitch or looks at every woman's ass that walks by, or what if the woman has an obnoxious high-pitched laugh? That nebulous zone never factored these types of things in to the quotient. 

The solution to this is to have a web cam. You can see how the person responds to your words, see their facial movements, see their body, how they look when you make them smile, hell you can even see their pets, kids, and whatever else they care to show you.

You can't, however, see how they react to the world around them, or know how friendly they are to senior citizens, or whether or not they have money in the bank, but if you are wondering if you are at least physically attracted to this person, the cam will show you a heck of a lot. 

I think we create in our nebulous zone, how we want the person to be. When the other person doesn't meet that expectation, we tend to then say, "they weren't for REAL." I am thinking that we create this person, as we want to see them to make it OK in our mind to meet them.

But when they aren't THAT way really, aren't WE ourselves to blame for making up this super being?? How many times have you said, "This is absolutely CRAZY!!?? I think I am madly in love and we haven't even met!!" What we are "in love" with is the IDEA of this person being everything we have made them out to be which is of course, our perfect mate!!! 

Is saying the person really wasn't as they alluded to be, perhaps a "self imposed" mistake or lack of awareness? Could it be that we are eluding ourselves? If we can realize that we have done all we can in a limited venue to find someone who for all intents and purposes matches our criteria for romance, BUT that the hold out is the actual face-to-face meeting as the be all and end all of ascertaining REAL attraction, I think there would be a whole lot less disappointment, and a lot more success stories.

Expectations are SELF IMPOSED and we ourselves need to be accountable for this. If the other person does NOT meet our expectations, it might just be that we built up a persona to suit our fantasy, and perhaps WE indeed, haven't been realistic. 

The other thing that we run into a lot, unfortunately, are the liars and deceivers who get their rocks off by hurting others or just seeing how well they can bullshit their way into getting a date.

That is where experience at meeting comes in handy. There are a lot of ways to detect these people because they forget from one day to the next what lies they told and stories aren't consistent.

I avoid these like the plague but even an experienced bullshit detector like myself can still be fooled on occasion. BUT, I still prefer this venue for meeting potential dates over all others and have learned that the bottom line is to keep a very open mind, realizing that I am probably grandiosizing a wee bit because I so earnestly want to meet people with whom I can relate to and be myself with and I truly believe that with the masses at my fingertips, I have much higher odds of being successful. 

There is a magical dynamic that happens online that is not found in any other venue and I sincerely believe it CAN be translated into real time, with caution, awareness, and the ability to make the smooth transition from that nebulous zone to REAL time, and allow yourself the grace to let chemistry and face-to-face attraction be the deciding factor. Limit your fantasies and know that they are the fuel, but they are not the REAL fire!!!

© 2003 Tami Fox. All rights reserved.